It can be difficult to define what a healthy relationship looks like, as what is “normal” will be slightly different for everyone. The Advice Centre has put together some information and resources about spotting abusive relationships and where to get help and support. CW: This article contains discussion of emotional abuse and domestic violence.
Content Warning: This article contains discussion of emotional abuse and domestic violence. If you need support, skip to the bottom of the article for a list of resources.
It can be difficult to define what a healthy relationship looks like, as what is “normal” will be slightly different for everyone. Broadly speaking, any relationship you have should be adding something positive to your life, and making you feel valued and respected. However, when you’re in a relationship, it can be difficult to be subjective about you and your partner’s behaviour, and you may be tempted to minimise any “red flags” which come up, for fear of changing the relationship you have. It’s always a good idea to check in with yourself regularly about the state of your relationship, and if you find it difficult to be truthful with yourself, consider asking a trusted friend to help you stay objective.
There are a number of useful tools online which can help you to identify behaviour which may be cause for concern, such as this page put together by Women’s Aid, with a number of questions to consider and first-hand testimonies from abuse survivors. We’ve also put together some more information and resources below about spotting abusive relationships.
Signs something might not be right
While some signs of an abusive relationship can be relatively easy to spot (though not easier to address), for example, physical abuse or explicit verbal insults, not all are.
Signs of emotional or psychological abuse can be easy to dismiss, particularly if the abuse involves gaslighting - when someone purposefully causes you to question your memory or judgement of an event. For example, your partner may make repeated negative remarks about your appearance, but when this is brought up, they will deny they have done anything wrong, and accuse you of being “oversensitive”, therefore invalidating your emotions and judgement of the situation.
Gaslighting can form part of a pattern of behaviour called coercive control, where a partner or family member acts in such a way that you become dependent on them, and under their control. This can happen slowly so it is difficult to recognise when things have spiralled out of your control. Watch this clip from an informative BBC documentary about spotting and defining coercive behaviour.
There can also be unhealthy power dynamics in relationships, especially if you are a member of a marginalised community. Love Is Respect is an American charity, but they have lots of information about how cultural influences can affect what form abuse in relationships can take.
How to get support
If you have questions about your relationship, or if you’re concerned about a friend, there are a number of ways you can seek support. In the event of an emergency, do not hesitate to contact the emergency services by calling 999, or campus security on 01784 443888 if you are on campus.
- Refuge has a 24/7 helpline on 0808 2000 247, and a live chat available on weekday evenings.
- Women’s Aid has a live chat service, as well as a survivors' forum where you can seek peer-to-peer support.
- Rape Crisis provides information about where to find a sexual assault support centre, and what to do in a crisis.
- Galop offers specific domestic violence support to the LGBT+ community on their helpline, 0800 999 5428, self-referral, and support forum.
- Survivors UK offers a live chat and text support service on 020 3322 1860 for male survivors of sexual assault and rape.