Last week, we asked you to send in your best, funniest, or most embarrassing sex stories for the Let's Talk About... campaign. This is part of our aim to break the taboo on sex and to stop the expectation that sex is as perfect as it looks in the movies. Alas, here are our favourite stories that you guys have sent over!
"When I was about 16 I had braces and was sucking my ex’s penis and CUT it with my brace. The worst part is that we didn’t even notice for about 10 minutes when I turned the light on and there was blood EVERYWHERE (including my white bed sheets.
It looked like a nursery scene. Yeah... we’re not together anymore."
"When I first lost my virginity, I bled. Problem was, we were in his brother’s bed. So to solve this, we told him we dropped ketchup from our breakfast on his mattress. I'll never live that lie down!"
"Went to go down on my boyfriend in the dark, under the covers (it was cold) and he went to grab my face to guide me towards his manhood and instead poked me really hard in the eye with his thumb. The moment was gone and we cuddled whilst I cried. My eye is fine by the way."
"I went home with a guy after a night out one time, and he said he wanted to bottom so went into the bathroom to ‘get ready’ at which I assumed meant that he would douche before we had sex.
However we started having anal sex, and suddenly there’s this really bad smell. I look down and my penis is covered in his poo, and I’ve never felt more awkward in my life. Thank god I was wearing a condom so there was at least some kind of barrier!"
"Once a boy was giving me a blowjob, and it went so far down his throat that it make him gag and the most snot I’d ever seen in my life flew out of his nose all over me. Honestly, the most awkward sexperience of my life."
"One night I ended up staying at a boy’s house after a pub night with mutual friends. While the others were downstairs, we went into his room and start doing our stuff. The only problem was that his door didn’t have a lock; so when he was down on me, his flatmate walked into the room with other five people to show them how the new house was like.
Not satisfied the flatmate also called us about 15 minutes later to check if we were done. At least he made us find some condoms when we walked out of the room. You know, for future use.
Oh, and I have been with the flatmate before."
"For many years now I have had a micro-penis. It’s embarrassing, every time I get it out in front of my bros, they laugh- it’s not nice. My girlfriend laughs at me as well, because it doesn't get any bigger than half an inch.
It also doesn't help that I'm incontinent, and an erectile dysfunction disorder. One time, whilst she was tying me up, handcuffing my wrists to the bed posts, and zipping up my gimp mask - I got soft, but she didn't even notice until I told her after she climaxed, and unzipped the mask 30 minutes later.
We were still together 3 months later until she burst my testicle whilst standing on it with her stilettos - I couldn't forgive her."
"One day I decided to order a butt plug while doing my Ann Summers order. Once it arrived I realized it wasn’t very exciting and it didn’t give any pleasure…
So instead of wasting it, on another occasion, I thought it would be interesting to see if I could shoot it out of my vagina. I could indeed shoot it out quite impressively. I then spent the next 10 minutes shooting it out trying to get it further every time.
I managed to get it to the end of the bed!! I was very proud of this achievement and I feel that I am one in a million."
"Okay so coming to university a virgin, everyone always spoke about the fact that on the first time, it would be over quick to say the least. So this was on my mind. So one night, when the time finally came (no pun intended), one was wondering quite how short this experience would be.
However, whether it be drink or God's punishment on myself for entertainment, the short-lived time expectation was quite the opposite. Things were happening but also nothing was happening if you know what I mean.
The other occupant in the bedroom had, well she had done her thing and by this point we had been going at it for a while and still nothing.
So I faked. I completely faked in true When Harry Met Sally style and went back to my flat the next morning with aching bollocks."
And there we have it. As you can see from the testimonies from your fellow students, sex really isn't as smooth as it's made out to be. So make sure you stop worrying about not reaching that ideal expectation that's commonly represented. The important things are that you're doing it safely, and that both parties have consented to have sex with each other.
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