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So, you’ve found a swanky, new house to live in for the following year and now all you need are a group of housemates to cohabit with. However, the hunt for roommates is often arduous and must be approached with caution. From the pen of an experienced house/roomie hunter, here is a guide of the kind of potential roomies to look out for at the Housing Fair this week. Which one are you?
Carries various monikers such as the ‘human speaker’ or the ‘decibel monster’ within the Encyclopaedia of known housemate species. Reputable for having vocal chords that rival that of Concorde’s engine, this housemate makes their presence known through their loudness. That’s right, they can be heard at any proximity within the house at maximum volume, whether it be holding a phone conversation, making a sandwich or carrying out day-to-day tasks – it’s a wonder if you don’t end up developing tinnitus after cohabiting with this housemate for a year.
It is often debated whether this housemate is really just a figment of imagination, with confirmed sightings statistically similar to that of the Loch-Ness Monster. With their location unknown, it is speculated whether they might just be a silent-room dweller or a social butterfly. Although their name will appear on the tenancy agreement, it is guaranteed that you will never see them in the household.
This housemate truly shines in drinking situations and is commonly found advocating the role of ‘Edward Ciderhands’ or ‘Drinkmaster’. Can be great fun and recognized for their prowess in consuming large quantities of alcohol and getting everyone hyped up, this person is responsible for your Saturday hangovers after a night at the Students’ Union.
Armed with a calculator, notepad and a heap of receipts, you can always rely on this housemate to never reciprocate buying a round of drinks on a night out. Typical observed behaviours include picking up one penny coins when the opportunity arises, purchasing Tesco value loo roll that might as well be sandpaper and drafting out ‘I Owe U’ lists noting your contribution of 20p to the loaf of bread they just bought (and can you settle that immediately please?)
Expect to be struck by the words “Are you done with that?” before you’ve even had the chance to finish your dinner – this neat-freak will be looming over your shoulder with fairy liquid and a scrubber in hand. Often seen transforming into a ‘Super-Saiyan’ during deep-cleaning sessions and should be feared if you are caught leaving forks in the sink…
Fuelled by protein shakes, beer and testosterone, this housemate is known for his outrageous banter, large collection of extra-small vests/t-shirts and is normally seen leading a frontline of chanters in the Students’ Union, screeching the words of “Will Griggs on Fire” to the best of his ability. If you don’t have one already, invest in a door lock as you will most likely be subject to this housemate’s pranking endeavours.
The arch-nemesis of the Clean Freak as it is said that the Slob is allergic to house chores. You can frequently mistake yourself taking a trip to a landfill site when entering their room and it is not surprising to find ecosystems developing on their ancient dinner plates strewed across the vicinity.
Usually seen thriving in the darkness of the night and is seen emerging during the late afternoon ready to start their day. This housemate has a daily schedule resembling that of Batman’s and will generally decide that 3am is a great time to hoover their room/play the guitar etc.
Acting with the best interests of the house at heart, this housemate will attempt to partake in cleaning sessions and chores. However chivalrous they may be, they do tend to make the situation worse for everyone else due to their lack of common sense and incapability to complete simple tasks.
Registered charity no: 1141998
The Students’ Union, Royal Holloway
Egham, TW20 0EX